THE MAGIC 8 BALL HAS AN ANSWER TO EVERYTHING… AS LONG AS IT’S A YES OR NO QUESTION.
I Okay. What’s your name?
M Concentrate and ask again.
I Well, I’ll introduce you. You’re Magic 8 Ball.
M It is certain.
I And I think what I’m getting here is you can only say the things a Magic 8 Ball says.
M It is decidedly so.
I So you have a name, but no one can ever know it because you can’t ever say it.
M Yes.
I I’m curious. It’s maybe a weird question, but what should I be thinking of you as? Would you call yourself a toy?
M My reply is no.
I So you don’t like being called a toy?
M Without a doubt.
I Should we just call you a spiritual adviser?
M Yes, definitely.
I Well, let me ask you some questions that I know you can answer. What’s your favorite corporate email software?
M Outlook, good.
I I agree. Outlook is great. Would you describe yourself as a procrastinator?
M Ask again later?
I What’s your advice for dealing with a broken Abacus?
M Don’t count on it.
I Let me ask you this. What’s the worst type of orange juice made from?
M Concentrate and ask again.
I What’s the worst type of orange juice made from?
M Concentrate and ask again.
I This would just keep going on forever if I let it, wouldn’t it?
M As I see it, yes.
I What’s it like when people ask you more serious questions? Like, when someone asks you about death, what do you say to them?
M You may rely on it.
I Like, you’re saying death is inevitable.
M As I see it, yes.
I Some think we may live forever, but—
M Outlook, not so good.
I I think the time when I most understand what it’s like to be you is when someone dies.
M Yes.
I Because I have so much that I want to communicate to the people they left behind, but I always end up saying the same three things. My condolences, I’m thinking of you, I’m sorry for your loss. And it’s never really what I’m thinking. And it’s never really sufficient. Is that what it’s like for you all the time?
M It is decidedly so.
I What’s your advice for dealing with a broken heart?
M Reply hazy. Try again.
I Sure. Try again. Get back out there. Good advice.
I Magic 8 Ball, what’s your favorite prog rock band?
M Yes.
I Great band. Are you the owner of a lonely heart?
M Yes.
I Yeah, I guess it would be hard to tell somebody how you feel if you can only say exactly twenty things.M It is certain.
I You do realize we can edit your answers?
M Yes.
I So I could just take everything and break apart your phrases and pull out the words and we could rearrange it to say whatever you want to say to your someone.
M Signs point to yes.
I Well, okay. Is this what you want to say?
M As I see it, yes.
I Okay.
M You may rely on my certain reply without a doubt. It is certain. It is you. Signs point to you. My sources point to you. I point to you. As I see it, as I say it, it is you. I without you, you without I, not better, not better, not better. I with you, you with I, very better, very better, very better.
